Went to the sports park this afternoon, me, mum and baby G, and just walked. Went with no agenda but to do handstands and make sure Grete didn't eat anything she shouldn't. It was strange, to be at a place I've only ever really been to with a spike bag slung over my shoulder and a purpose in mind - to flog myself silly then stagger off home. To only be a spectator on the sidelines left me feeling strange. I was free from the expectation of self-flogging, but at the same time, I wished I was out there fulfilling said expectation. The logic in my head ran that "if I could do it, then I'd be doing it", and by extension, "if I wasn't doing it, then it was because I couldn't", and it left me feeling vaguely sick and panicked, that perhaps I couldn't, because I wasn't. Because I wasn't there to run, I felt like I was failing - like I was broken.
I felt like it this morning, too - the results came in, and everyone else was on a different level - the level I should have been at, if I had gotten it together earlier. It made me think, "If I didn't, was it because I couldn't?" The thought hurt - I had always consoled myself with the reminder that I could have done better, and that my mark wasn't an accurate indication of how smart I was, or could have been - that I had potential. And that made me feel better. But now... is potential still potential if you never use it? And if it is, what good is it?
Today, I didn't belong, and I wasn't a part of it. I felt more like a mother, watching on the side - having watched all their efforts through to fruition, and feeling very, very proud. But not entirely a part of it. I slowly slipped from their world during the course of the year, and by the end I was only an onlooker. But I gradually came to terms with my new position, perhaps if only for my inability to remedy it.
In the end, I begrudge no one for my circumstances, and I feel I owe no one reasons or excuses. I am extremely happy and proud of my friends and their achievements, and feel that I too have achieved something, in being able to find a certain peace of heart regarding my own results.
Also, it rained tonight. Only for a little, but it was enough.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
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Well,
ReplyDeleteI like the blog. Like the pictures. You have style. As did Robert Frost.
Re- the exams and assessments:
Even if aptitude and intelligence between all candidates was equal, those candidates who for various reasons, didn't manage to learn and understand the body of work, or do a thorough job on their assessments, are going to have marks below those who did. It's not whether you are clever or not, that is being measured, but how well you completed two years of work. So, that's what I would reflect on, when I needed to analyse what I thought of my result.
Think of the mark as a train ticket. Some people earned platinum-class tickets, some business class, some economy. Different journey to be had along the way, perhaps, but all valid ways to get to the same destination, whatever place you choose to head for.
When you are in your 40s, no-one will have an inkling of interest in your percentile bands or UAI for your HSC. When you all put pens down in the last exam, that moment was over. The feedback and marks arrive now, but already, in the days since you finished school, you are covering your past knowledge, actions and achievements, with a new layer. Stuff you do just continually gets built upon - you can't stay still in one thing, just to admire the view. There's too much else to do.
So I'm glad you don't think you were defined by your exam result. There wouldn't be much to you if you were.
ETA The last line didn't read quite as I intended. You know what I meant, and it had nothing to do with marks.
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